Seasonal Charm
by EEevee
Summary: [AU] Side story to TDTI. Drifter Kenshin experiences the joys of the holiday season... will include His Majesty, Smiley, and the pyromanic bombmaker Enjoy
1. Part 1

**Title:** Seasonal Charm, a side story to The Drifter and Town Insanity

**Author:** Eeevee (with invaluable help from Fyyrrose!)

**Genre:** Humor

**Rating:** PG-13 (mostly for Sano's mouth)

**Summary:** Drifter Kenshin never in his short life actually experienced the joys of Christmas, however, the townfolk of Insanity are more than willing to show him.

**Disclaimer:** The cast is thanking God, Kami-sama, Buddha, and all other dieteies that they are not owned by me, they are in fact owned by their creator and his affliates. Lobo, however, is my evil tempered wolf character ^.~ 

Chapter One: Mister Pine and the Two Horse Open Sleigh

I smacked my hands together wishing it wasn't so bitterly cold. What ever had I done to deserve this? Snow up to my waist and biting winds. Miss Kaoru assured me that it was a rather mild winter so far. Mild? To me mild is a light shower of semi-warm rain. Ah, to be in the South again. Then again, with all the reconstruction going on I imagine it is a mess. I bet Master misses our old home in North Carolina at times like this. Then again, his ego could be used as a blanket to keep him warm if it came down to it. 

"Hey Kenshin, you look a bit blue." Sanosuke scratched his spiky head and I stared with wide eyes. The man was wearing practically nothing! No like that you perverts. I mean, it's colder than Father Aoshi's eyes and he was waltzing around in his normal attire! 

Have I mentioned yet that I hate snow? Most especially the cold, fluffy powder that's oh, say, waist high. It gets in between your clothing and soaks your skin. I mean, I can't even feel parts of my body. Yes, those parts. Imagine frostbite. 

"This unworthy one is a bit cold." I admitted, my teeth chattering hard enough to rattle my skull. 

Sanosuke shifted the axe to his other hand and pulled out a flask. I eyed it warily until he shoved it happily under my nose. Then I was cross-eyed and discombobulated. With a faint oro I toppled backward and disappeared into a particularly large drift. 

Recovering myself slowly I asked shakily, "What is that?" 

'This is Sanosuke. You know it's liquor.' I gave him a no duh look. 

"Brandy. Will warm you right up!" Sanosuke assured me, taking a huge swig. Needless to say I found myself wondering where exactly those lips had been. Considering his behavior at the bar and all. I declined. He shrugged, "You're loss." 

We trudge another mile in the evil white stuff before we reached a small grove of pine trees. Nut casings were scattered around the base of the largest one. It was about seven foot. I carefully avoided them. I didn't need another trip into the cold hell of feet deep snow. I could tell my hair needed to be washed when I got home and my ears were no longer attached to my head, at least not according to my body. I think my big ears came, not from genetics as those newfangled doctors claimed, but from the fact I was raised where it was nice and hot. Big ears give off more heat, but, unfortunately they also have the same effect when it's cold. 

Fighting the urge to do the dance of pins and needles stabbing into my flesh because I was losing feeling, I asked Sano, "Do you already have a tree chosen? This unworthy one is quite cold." And wishing he wasn't pressed into babysitting, I added mentally. 

"Yeah." Sanosuke said offhandedly and thumped the big tree heartily. A small chattering sound issued, but then, that could have been my teeth. A sharp blast of fridge air blew past and I tried to retreat deeper into my clothing. 

'Wuss.' Battousai snarled, 'You can go to the brink of death unflinching, but you can't stand a bit of cold air?' 

Sanosuke made quick work of the tree, hacking away with clean strokes. Unfortunately, he seemed to be angling it the wrong way. Either that or I was in the wrong spot. But it was too late to move. Damn waist deep snow! 

"Ouch. Kenshin, are you alright?" 

Fine, fine. Nothing I can't handle. Just a tree falling on my mid section, taking out three or four vital organs and pinning me to the ground. I still have a few more, right? Fine, just fine. Of course I was fine! Why wouldn't I be? A hundred pound man verse a fifty pound tree. I had the advantage! 

'Testy, and you weigh one hundred and thirty five. Although after poisoning our body with stick and bones' cooking I bet that's dropped.' 

I wanted to retort that Miss Kaoru's cooking was not poisonous, but my tongue didn't seem to be working at the moment. 

Sanosuke lifted the tree off me and watched as I tried to stand up. Well, being numb was quite fun. Not only could I not feel the pain that must have been coursing up and down my body, but I couldn't stand. 

"Here." Sanosuke took the tree in one hand and hefted over his broad left shoulder. He scooped me up and proceeded to do that same to me on his right. He should eat more he's bony! 

It took me a full minute to realize what exactly this looked like. Not that I wasn't ungrateful or anything, I was! I was even getting some feeling back in my legs. It was just, well, my pride was prickled. Here I was, the great Bat- 

'No you're not. I'm the Battousai. You're the sniveling wimp who hides when all the fun rolls around!' 

Er, Kenshin Himura. Being dragged around by some guy who had hit on me, whom everyone knew had hit on me, and carried like a sack of potatoes. Three guesses as to what will be going through peoples' heads when we go back into town. 

Luckily fate had other plans. 

"Shit!" Sanosuke yelped in rage and dropped me. Once again, I visited the world of powdered oblivion before sputtering to the surface. Being short has some serious drawbacks! Sanosuke took up the trunk of the tree and assumed a battling pose. He held it slightly horizontal, not wavering under the heavy weight. Lobo stood snarling at him with hackles raised. Sano took an experiment swing one which almost took my head off might I add. He grinned fecklessly and took a challenging step forward. "All right you son of a bitch, payback time." 

If the wolf could talk I swear he'd be saying, Bring it on pansy-boy. Instead he howled and launched himself at Sano. The young man wielded the heavy tree with ease smacking the beast across the ribs. He snarled and did a few, fun rolls in the snow. 

'Kill kill kill! Never thought I'd be cheering for such a brain dead kid, but kill!' Battousai whooped. 

The next round followed in much the same way. Lobo tried to get around back, but Sano expected that. 

'Incoming!' 

I ducked as flesh, muscle, and furious fangs sailed over me for another crash landing. 

Now it could have continued like this for a long while, but a familiar, irritation person showed up. Now, if there was anyone that Battousai wanted whacked more than Lobo or Aoshi, it was Saitoh. 

I stared as it all happened in slow motion. Sano, aiming at Lobo, not noticing the lean, dangerous man looking on with a pissed, pinched expression; Lobo, yellow eyes glittering maliciously standing just within the path of the tree; Sano swinging; Saitoh dodging; the snow trapping him. I must say, the resulting smack was extremely satisfying, but the pine needles stuck in his hair and mouth was even better. Oh, and did I mention up his nose? No, well, it was kind of a sick sight anyway. 

Sano, seeing the repercussions of his actions hanging over his head like a dark, murderous cloud only had once reaction: laughter. Not my choice in defusing a potentially harmful situation. 

I swear Saitoh's eyebrow twitched and he plucked a wayward needle out of his scalp. His cold, calculation eyes were just a touch warmer now. Okay, he was absolutely seething, livid, enraged, pissed, incensed, irate, infuriated, and fuming. Did I miss anything? I thought not. 

Anyway, he was ticked. I could tell. 

However, before he could take action Lobo struck from above. I suppose even an animal can learn from repetition. Sano could only swing the tree from side to side, unless he wanted to drag it up across the ground to ward off aerial attacks. Which Lobo didn't give him time to do. The wolf was on him within seconds. It was quite awful, the howls. From Sano, not Lobo. 

I would have loved to be the one to break it up, honest, but Missus Tokio came just in time. She must have a sixth sense concerning maiming and death. 

"Lobo, drop it. You don't know where that boy has been!" She ordered and the wolf jumped off neatly. He made his way to sit over next to her and glare. I noticed Saitoh, not to be outdone by a mere beast, had done the same. "Sano, were you antagonizing my wolf?" 

I choked. 

"No Ma'am." Sano said giving her a sweet innocent grin, which was slightly distorted by all the angry scratch marks all over his face. "Kenshin and I were just getting a tree for the Missy." 

She gave him a hard stare and he blinked with his façade of innocent. Damn he was good at that. I think I needed some lessons. 

We parted ways easily enough. By then my whole body was numb. Did I mention I hate snow? 

"Sanosuke!" Miss Kaoru howled, staring at the tree. Her blue eyes had taken on a hard cast. "What. Is. That?" 

Sano shrugged the tree down and answered, "A tree. Not big enough for you or something?" 

I looked at the tree. It was a little worse for wear after the impromptu use as a club. Hunks of dark gray fur clung to the needles and up near the top there was a hole that was suspiciously the size of a human skull. Mud and snow caked the branches while sap hugged the trunk and Sano's hands. It was a sorry sight. 

"Miss Kaoru, where would you like us to set it up? This unworthy one would be glad…" I started, intending to cut any violence off. Instead she turned that vengeful look on me and said sharply, "I think you two have done enough. What were you doing? Fighting with a pack of wolves?" 

"Only two." Sano assured her and she started to flame. Fearing for the man's life I shoved him out the door, reminding him of the lacerations and mentioned that shouldn't he go see Megumi? It actually worked. 

"Would you like…" 

"No." Miss Kaoru snapped, dragging the tree over the steps leading up to the bar's porch. When she wasn't looking I grasped the trunk and gave a shove. If she was surprised that it came up so easily she didn't mention it. 

I stared at the scary display of seasonal cheer and Christmas spirit. It came in all shapes and forms, but there was a common theme: red and green. Everything from the little glass beads that represented holly to the large banners spanning the ceiling was saturated in those two colors. It gave me a killer migraine just looking at it. Unsurprisingly Yumi and Kamatari were in the middle of everything, squabbling over guess what? What color ribbons to put up on the barstools. As if there was much of a choice. Well, both were ugly anyway. Miss Misao was gleefully bouncing up and down on a ladder trying to nail something to the wall. I say trying because she was moving around so much that the hammer hit her fingers far more often than the nail. I could tell by the sounds the issued after each stroke. It was either an ear piercing squeal of delight or a muffled growl of pain. 

"Misao, we've got the tree." Miss Kaoru called up. Miss Misao ditched her current project and took a flying leap to the ground. I expected a crash landing, but she landed on the hard wood floors nimbly enough. She rushed over to help drag it inside. 

I spotted the tree stand in the color. Surprise, surprise, it was the most hideous shade of pea green I have ever seen. 

"This unworthy one would like…" I started again, deciding they would have to listen. After all, I had already learned first hand how evil Christmas trees could be! They needed help wrangling the unruly sucker. 

Miss Kaoru whirled on me and growled in a tone which chilled me, "Ken-shin, what part of no don't you understand. Honestly, you act like I'm a weak little girl who needs help at every turn!" 

Retreating to a corner I watched anxiously as they dragged the pine over leaving scuff marks in the wood. They propped it against the wall and shoved. It worked surprisingly enough. For all of three seconds that is. 

I watched silently as it tipped precariously time and time again. Sometimes they caught it before it made a dull thud on the floor, or a foot for that matter. Other times there would be a frustrated snarl from the duo. Eventually they managed to position the thick trunk in the rickety tree stand. Miss Kaoru, being taller, pushed her weight against the bushy shrub while Miss Misao lay on her stomach and twisted the little screws. 

This worked well enough, until they decided to test the tree's balance. Another crash. Coupled with an interesting curse. Son of a porcupine and poison ivy. I'll have to remember that next time I decide to insult a tree. 

"Do you…" I started to offer again. I can't help it, I'm a nice guy. 

Miss Kaoru whirled on me flanked by Miss Misao. I got this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach it took a moment to realize it was the feeling I always received right before I was mortally injured. Backing up nervously with my hands raised in a peaceful gesture I was startled when I bumped into the wall. Nowhere to run. 

"Out!" Miss Kaoru ordered pointing towards the door. I stared past her at the tree, which was propped hap hazardously. With dreadful certainty I had a flash of foresight. I saw the tree crashing down and snapping what little patience the two girls had left. Then out would come the objects of pain without pleasure. Of course, Miss Kaoru would get in the first shot, at my head. It was the sharp, pointy objects going down lower that I was worried about. 

"This unworthy one forgot he has to do something for Saitoh!" I blurted out in terror. Now whatever in the world possessed me to say something stupid like that? Oh yes, infinite terror clutching my soul and squeezing the life out of it. 

Having given my pathetic excuse I used my god-like speed for it's most important reason yet! Never have I brushed so closely with Death. 

Once outside I wandered aimlessly recalling the conversation I had with Miss Kaoru a few days earlier. Naively, I asked why Christmas was such a big deal around here. After all, with Master it was just another day, which meant another day of chores and training. Well, there was a bit more alcohol too, but we'll not go into that. As an assassin for the Union I had never done much in the way of participating in holiday events. Not that there were that many. It was a war after all. 

She explained all the town's quaint traditions, included the wretched tree. There was also church mass, which didn't sound too bad. In fact, I would love to see High and Holy give an inspiring speech about appreciating what we have and the sacrifices made on our behalf. 

She also pointed out a silver ring. Well, not exactly. We had been grocery shopping and she stopped. I, wondering what was the matter backtracked to find her staring longingly at a small, silver ring set with gorgeous color shifting stones. They were only an eight of the size of a penny, but the two represented the eyes of two intertwined birds. 

'They're doves and the stones are Alexandrite. That's my birthstone.' Miss Kaoru had explained. 

Now I found myself staring in the window at the ring. Well, not quite the ring. More like the price tag. Items that nice cost money, and quite a bit of it. Something that I didn't have. 

"What are you doing out here Mister Himura. I would have thought you would be helping with the tree." Missus Tokio said in a polite voice. A quick glance around assured me that Lobo wasn't lurking, and for once, neither was Saitoh. How she managed to give her two adamant protectors the slip I'll never know. 

"This unworthy one's help was not required." I replied somewhat morosely. 

'Pah, if I'm lucky Kaoru will be squashed and her neck broken. Then again, I can't decide which is worse, you mooning over her or you grieving.' 

He deserved a scalding for that. Too bad I didn't have any boiling hot water handy. I would remember that slight however. Jinxing Miss Kaoru like that. 

"I see." She said shrewdly, "So you decided to go Christmas shopping?" 

"This unworthy one has no money to speak of. Merely window shopping Missus Tokio." I replied, wishing for once that I could have some worldly goods to pawn. I simply never had a use for them before. 

She gave me that searching stare for a moment before grasping my hand and dragging me along. After a moment she dropped it, but kept walking. Curious and wary as a cat in the dog pound I followed. And followed. And followed. Eventually my arms became a little wearying, carrying Missus Tokio's purchases. Especially that large jug of fine brandy that claimed to have come all the way from England. I assume that was for Master. There were many other, small items. Which begs the question, why exactly I was carrying them all? 

We returned to the small sled and horse she had waiting. The beast was one of those heavy-set creatures with the bobbed tail and cropped mane. White plumes rose from his nostrils. I was more concerned with the teeth to be honest, but the beast seemed even tempered enough, considering it's origin. 

Gently I set my burden down and straightened up to go. 

"Where are you going Mister Himura? As much as I appreciate you helping me out of the goodness of your heart, I assumed you would like some payment. As well as listening to my proposal." I stopped and looked at her questioningly. She had a nice smile on her face, it suited her far better than one of the other ones that usually graced it. 

I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I didn't. 

She sighed, "Just get in Himura. Hajime will kill me for this, but we could use an extra hand setting up for the sleigh ride." 

I remembered Miss Kaoru mentioning that. 

"This unworthy one will not have to handle any horses?" After my last encounter I just wanted to make sure. 

"No, just hay bales. If you are up for that. They don't bite, I promise." 

There was this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. On the one hand, if I went to the ranch I would most certainly come into contact with Saitoh and Lobo. One the other, this was a way to make good on my lie to Miss Kaoru and earn some money at the same time. 

I should have known better, I really should have. Where was my evil half when I agreed to such a dastardly thing? Oh yeah, he was being evil. Well, crap. 

First off, let me say those bales are heavy. Oh, and itchy. Very itchy. Especially when they get down in your clothing and chafe. I had stacked a good amount when Saitoh showed up. The look on his face was enough to scare Lobo. Then again, maybe the wolf had done something to annoy him… Nope, he was definitely looking at me. Which means I did something to piss him off. 

Trying to ignore the man smoking up a storm to my left and the golden stare of the shaggy killer to my right, somehow he had flanked me when I wasn't looking, wasn't easy. I suppose that's why I made the mistake. 

One mistake and my kidneys were getting an encore of the pummeling they received earlier, courtesy of Mister Pine. 

Scrambling hastily and feeling like a downed deer with a wolf pack circling I tried to shove it off. Unfortunately Lobo felt now would be a good time to act. He sprung nimbly up and settled his full weight on the three or four bales crushing me. My face ground into the snow and my fingers scrabbled useless. 

If I expected Saitoh to help I was sadly mistaken. He continued smoking, although he had slowed down considerably, and watched with sardonic amusement. 

I'm not sure how long I was face down, but my eyelids were glued shut and my tongue, which I had foolishly sent to wet my chapped lips, was stuck to the ice below. 

"Hajime, get those bales off Mister Himura, Lobo get off!" Missus Tokio growl, affronted I think because the two dared to team up in harassing her guess. Of course, I couldn't see her face as it was, but my ears were, despite being numb, in perfect working order. 

The weights on me were abruptly lifted and someone was tugging at my clothing. I heard a ripping sound. Then a draft of cold air. If I had been in my right state of mind instead of with the fluffy bunnies and daffodils, I might have been embarrassed. 

"Oh dear, Mister Himura is stuck to the ice. How long did you two pin him down? Hajime, get the hatchet. I'll get the hot water." 

Wait. Hajime and hatchet? Why didn't I like the sound of that? Suddenly the bunnies grew razor fangs and the flowers started spraying poison. Apparently I wasn't welcome in Lala Land or wherever I ended up. Did that always happen when one's life was in danger, or just when they might be dismembered? 

"Oro!" 

Needless to say, Saitoh did a flawless job of hacking me out, although he came a bit to close to my hair, and head for that matter, for comfort. After that, Missus Tokio had him drag I, The Human Popsicle, inside. She thawed me out. And after the warm water hit me and I started to defrost I was honestly wishing for bunnies, daffodils, and some morphine. Who knew it could hurt so much! 

Once I had melted sufficiently and could feel my limbs again and assured myself that all my body parts were indeed still attached, I tackled a more mundane task. Hauling the hot cider barrels to be transported to town for the Christmas party that was taking place at the bar after Mass. 

This time it was under Missus Tokio's watchful eye. She led out a pair of matched blood red bays. That stallion looked awfully familiar. As I put the last barrel up on the sleigh, careful not to disturb any of the bales Missus Tokio hitched the pair up. They stood quietly with their heads high and ears prick. I hope she didn't expect me to drive, because I didn't know how. 

"Mister Himura, would you please sit here and hold the reins. I forgot something inside." Missus Tokio requested. I glanced around. No sign of the two wolves. Safe. 

"All right Missus Tokio." I agreed, sitting gingerly on the hard, cold seat. Hold the twin leather leads I did my best not to jiggle them. The last thing I needed was to accidentally put them in drive. 

Oh course, how was I to know that Lobo would come tearing around the corner howling his head off, or that Saitoh would be in chase. Actually, if my life, and the scenery, weren't flashing before my eyes I would have been hilarious! 

Clinging for dear life to two pathetic strips of leather I did nothing to try to stop them. What could I do? That was over thousand pounds of frightened equinine! They would have ripped my arms from the sockets. 

We careened towards town, the deep snow not slowing them in the slightest. I yelled for people to move, but some people just don't listen, even when there is an out of control sleigh with two strong, fast horses and one terrified passenger. 

I winced at the crunch as Yahiko jumped out of the way. I hoped that was something unnecessary. I mean, all body parts are fine and dandy to have, but some you need more than others. 

'Jingle bells, jingle bells, dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh! Jingle bells!' Battousai bellowed at the top of his lungs. I didn't point out to him that that wasn't the whole song, the right order, or that we had a pair of horses pulling the sleigh. He seemed to be having a grand time none the less. 

The pair charged onward. I looked up with wide eyes. As usual, Master always seemed to show up in my finest hour. His big, steady form was planted right in the crazed horses path. I squinted. Great, he'd been drinking again. If he were a fish then alcohol must surely be water, because the man couldn't live without it. 

Turning he smirked at the horses and stood there calmly. Amazingly the beasts dug all eight hooves in and braked. In a spray of snow and sweat they stood meekly before his Greatness. 

"Stupid student, I leave you alone for two months and you are trying to take out the town. You are the most inconsiderate boy I have ever met." 

"And what brings Master to town? I thought you hated humanity." I replied, irritated. My legs were shaking like mad, but I managed a straight face. The horses stood blowing and huffing, but they didn't seem like they would bolt again. If they did, I wasn't going to be an unwitting passenger again. 

"I'm a God fearing man. I'm here for church of course." 

Miss Kaoru walked up behind me with an expression that proclaimed don't mess with me or I'll bite your eyebrows off. 

"He just wants free drinks. He's here for the same reason as Sanosuke." She growled, gripping my shaking arm possessively. I winced, but to be honest, she was the only thing holding me up. 

Megumi rushed out and grabbed my other arm. Oh, so that why Miss Kaoru was being so clingy. 

"Sir Ken, are you alright?" Megumi asked, checking me over for damaged. 

I stuttered, "Y-yes, this unworthy one is fine." 

Hiko glared down at me severely and snapped moodily, "Choose one or the other stupid student. You can't play the field like that." 

Miss Kaoru gave him a death glare and Megumi gave him some cool appraisal. 

"Yes Sir Ken, ditch that sweaty girl and come with me." She purred, "I have some special eggnog that I think you would just love!" 

"I'm not sweaty or little!" Miss Kaoru howled. 

"See? Two women always lead to trouble. They simply do not realize there is enough of one man to go around." Hiko stated wisely. 

I hastily grabbed Miss Kaoru's arms. As intriguing as it would be to see Master with his eyebrows ripped off, I didn't want Miss Kaoru to get hurt. And chewing on his face couldn't possibly be good for her health. 

I wondered if Megumi would follow us, but Sano just happened to appear at that moment complaining. Never was I so grateful for him to be a whining baby. 

I looked at the clock inside the ranch and yelped. Church was in a half hour and caroling with in fifteen. Now, why would I care about something as stupid as singing carols? I have no idea, but for some reason it was burned into my brain. Go with the flow, right? 

I really didn't need to wash up, the snow had done a fine job of that. There wasn't a speck of dirt on me. I was lucky to have my second layer of skin because I think the first was peeled off. Throwing on some nice clothing Miss Kaoru had bought me specifically for church I tried not to strangle myself with the tie. 

'I wonder if Saitoh or Shinomori will be wearing ties.' Battousai commented pensively. I could just see him jumping up and strangling someone before the eyes of the congregation and God. 

"Kenshin are you ready yet?" 

"Just a moment Miss Kaoru." I said, giving the tie one last vicious jerk. 

I walked out and was stupefied. Well, not literally. 

Miss Kaoru was dressed in a royal blue dress that faded between navy and indigo. Gold flowers hemmed the edges and the sleeves drew to a graceful halt just before her wrists. The dip down the front wasn't prudish, but definitely hinting more than showing. Her shoes were dark leather and a thin gold bracelet and chain with a delicate cross adorned her. Her hair wasn't pulled back into its usual ponytail, but rather it was drawn into a more sedate, mature look. 

I wiped my mouth to make sure I wasn't drooling all over myself like some sick pervert. She was blushing under my unintentional scrutiny and asked shyly, "Do you like it?" 

'Does he ever. Hell, even I see some potential!' 

"You look…" Gorgeous, beautiful, stunning, striking, sexy… Uh, better not say that last one out loud, "Pretty." 

'Pretty?' Battousai howled in rage and I cringed. What was the use of such an extensive vocabulary if my mouth always snubbed me? 'Ravishing here. Show some taste for once. You don't just say pretty!' 

"Oh." She said, downcast. 

I bit back the urge to gather her up and hug and hold her. Well, despite my evil half's claims, I wouldn't do more than that. Really. 

"You look lovely Miss Kaoru." I tried again. This elected a much better response. Well, from Miss Kaoru anyway. Battousai was peeved that I 'stole his word'. 

We walked together in silence. I noticed she was getting a bit closer than she would normally even dare, but being the dense idiot that I am, didn't encourage it. Which is not to say I discouraged it either. 

"What songs will be sung?" I asked lightly. Miss Kaoru looked up in surprise before soft smile covered her face, "Oh, we're not singing anything." The smile turned evil. "Sanosuke, Kamatari, and Yahiko are." 

"Oro!" 

I should have brought earplugs. 

**A/N:** Good lord, I just don't know when to quit! This is unedited because I didn't get it to the beta reader in time, however, I'm under a schedule! I leave for California on Sunday. Once there and surrounded I can't guarrentee my time on the comp. ;__; Oh, and because I have to get up at the crack of dawn means I may not be able to watch Kenshin -.-;; I don't want to miss it! I like Aoshi as Leader *evil grin*. It inspired me to reread that whole bit in the manga again! I forgot Kaoru flipped Megumi off ^___^ Then I went shopping yesterday and bought four mangas *smacks forehead* That's about $50 american. THEN I found two mangas I really wanted (in another store after I already bought two others) Under the Glass Moon and Demon Diary *scowls*. Anyway, off topic, originally this was a one shot that was _suppose_ to fit in TDTI. Now it's a side story because it's too damn long! Will update next Tuesday and Friday. It's only three chapters. 


	2. Part 2

Part Two  
  
"I can't take it anymore!" Battousai howled frothing and raging at the bars. He alternated between trying to tear his ears off and threatening to kill the offending singers.  
  
They weren't that bad, honest. Okay, a trio of donkeys could do better, but they were trying. Unfortunately they couldn't seem to come together on anything. All three were off key constantly, but never at the same time. Yahiko's voice kept cracking, puberty strikes again! Sano's baritone might have been nice if he actually remembered more than a third of the words. Kamatari... well, I'll not go there.  
  
When they finished, looking pleased to have wrecked deafness on all within earshot, I dutifully applauded. Of course, I had to gently remind Miss Kaoru to do that same. Battousai glowered at me for encouraging them and I wondered if I would ever look at Silent Night the same way again.  
  
"Come on Kenshin." Miss Kaoru insisted, tugging on my shirt. I lightly touched her hand to get her attention. Yep, that did the trick. She instantly flushed pink and looked at me timidly. In respond, just a trifle guilty, I smiled and allowed her to drag me into the church.  
  
"You're whipped. She can guilt trip you into anything! That's pathetic." Battousai sneered and I shot him a dirty look, deeming his actions not worthy of more strenuous punishment.  
  
We all filed in quietly, filled with the awe at the church decoration. Idly I wondered who had done it. Someone who possessed flawless taste. It was warm yet refined reflecting a quiet beauty with a multitude of candles flickering. Then it hit me. Aoshi. That was far more terrifying than the terrible trio toodling along.  
  
"Did Father Aoshi do all this by himself Miss Kaoru?" I whispered as we were seated. She nodded, stilling looking around wide-eyed. She whispered back, "I see it every year and I'm still surprised. Oh, I'm sure Megumi helped. She wouldn't stoop so low as to help us decorate the bar."  
  
Aoshi started off the sermon with a strong message of how we should bless this holy night and moved right into why we should be everlastingly grateful for the sacrifices made so that we would be free of sin.  
  
I sat with rapt attention, not on the sermon, but still astounded that the man could speak in whole sentences in a loud, clear, almost-motivating voice. For hours. Of course, my butt didn't appreciate it nearly so much as I did and neither did Battousai. Whine, piss, and moan, couldn't he shut up for a moment? I was trying to listen here. I determined that Aoshi's voice did indeed have a slight northern accent to it and that he might actually have a decent singing voice.  
  
"Amen."  
  
"Thank God." I replied that I believe that was the whole point of us attending mass.  
  
I complimented Aoshi on the decoration. He looked me over with those cool eyes before accepting the compliment whole-heartedly. Okay, he gave me a nonplus expression then walked off, but it would be nice if head recognized my compliment! Jerk!  
  
"Hey!" Yumi squealed in outrage and I turned to see her jump on Kamatari tugging fitfully. "Those are mine. How dare you steal my earrings!"  
  
Kamatari threatened to topple over under the furious woman's assault and weight. Now, you have to consider that most of that is up front and that front was bearing down on the slender cross dresser forcefully.  
  
"Finders keepers. Darling, you shouldn't leave your things lying around so carelessly. Someone with light fingers might make off with them."  
  
There was a furious screech of outrage at that statement. I swear she was going to the eyes nothing barred. Chou and Soujirou were looking on with amusement. Well, I assume it was amusement for Soujirou. Did his smile seem just a bit wider and joyful?  
  
It all happened in slow motion. How cliché. Actually it was incredibly fast. One moment the two are struggling over the silver hoops and the next they were on fire. Human torches. Well, screaming, panicking, and howling human torches. Where was the mute button? The smell of burning clothing and flesh permeated the air and we all gagged.  
  
"Well, aren't you going to go save them Hero? It's what you do after all." Battousai yawned. Oh yeah, save them, I forgot.  
  
Rushing forward I was a bit too late. A new experience, I don't think I liked it much. Father Aoshi practically melted out of the woodwork with holy water in hand. With one swift fling both were comparable to drowned rats. It took Kamatari a whole ten seconds to realize that he had a slight problem.  
  
"You're... you're bald!" Yumi wheezed, not paying the slightest bit of attention to the flames rapidly spreading throughout the church.  
  
"My hair!" Kamatari bawled clutching his egghead. Little bits of soggy ash and burnt hair flaked off.  
  
"Proble' here." Chou said in a panic. He was spitting futility trying to quench the flames. Soujirou, still with a smile plastered widely on his face remarked amiably, "I think you need more water."  
  
Well no shit.  
  
Misao, afraid that her favorite priest was going to go up in a fiery ball of flames, sallied forth to save him. Too bad it backfired. The sheets of flames, licking their chops happily, had taken over the old, seasoned wood like it was chocolate. They circled her, intended to add a bit of spice to their meal.  
  
Heedless she bounded forward until jerked back. Saitoh, never short on nerve nor resolute, had grabbed her braid and yanked. He wasn't particularly gentle either. She turned around with knives drawn, but the Wolf had more pressing problems.  
  
"What kind of sheriff are you anyway? Where's your fire brigade? This is a holy sanctuary! You can't just let it burn down." Master berated, just out of reach of the greedy flames. He was sipping brandy. I could see Saitoh staring at his cup and envisioned the result. Whoosh! Roasty, toasty Master served with chili or fries.  
  
Before I could run some interference I was trampled. Literally.  
  
'Damn it! That was our spine!'  
  
Sano was apparently not only afraid of horses, but fire as well. He was running around like, well, a chicken with its head cut off.  
  
"And you can't even control one little church session..." Master's voice droned in and out.  
  
I turned my attention back to them only to have it yanked away again. There was Aoshi, cool as a cucumber, dragging what must have been a fifty pound metal cross straight through the worst of the inferno. The relic was tarnished with age and most likely the most valuable thing in the whole church. Meanwhile, Misao recovered from her abrupt cut off and was scuttling around with an armload of other objects. Was. In one fateful moment she tripped and the objects went flying... right through three or four costly stain glass windows.  
  
Too much, too much. I couldn't keep track of it all. Saitoh hadn't killed Master yet, or vise versa. That was good. Misao was still conscious and gamely trying to save what looked like a stack of twenty or so hymn books. Sano was still rampaging, but it was on the other side of the church. Yahiko, Megumi, Chou, Soujirou, and Yumi had disappeared, presumably outside where it was safe. Miss Kaoru...  
  
My jaw dropped downward and hit it's tether with an audible snapping sound. There was Miss Kaoru burnishing a flaming brand of what looked like it use to be part of a pew. She was furiously shaking it at my unconcerned master, threatening him no doubt.  
  
But before I could rush to her aid, no telling what she could do if she were angry enough or what Master would do to piss her off even more, all hell broke loose. Well, I mean, it was pretty hectic before, but that was before things started to blow up and all.  
  
Sano, still being himself, had run over Katsu, who had actually been helping to herd people out to safety. Imagine that. Well, shoot, he had been more useful than I had, gawking after every little event. Get it together Himura!  
  
"You let him have bombs. You really are brainless." Master continued on his tirade as deafening blasts and flashing lights popped around us as the bombs hit the fire. Next time Katsu should make bombs that didn't roll. Square ones would be ideal. Could you make square bombs?  
  
Needless to say, we were all lucky that the man wasn't carrying dynamite, because that stuff would've blown the church to High Heaven.  
  
Aoshi appeared beside me with Misao in tow. He had Kamatari tucked neatly under one arm, no sign of the cross. Must have saved it already.  
  
"Battousai, I suggest you grab your woman and retreat. The church is beyond saving." He advised in a bland tone, like his beloved church burned down every day. Sheesh.  
  
But he had a point.I turned back to Miss Kaoru only to find that she had cornered Master with her flaming brand. She was shaking it aggressively and giving him a piece of her mind on every subject imaginable.  
  
Unfortunately she shook it a little too vigorously. The torched end hit Master's brandy, sending the dark amber liquid soaring. Master, stupefied by the loss of his beloved alcohol, was drenched. I could just see Saitoh kicking an ember and whoosh!  
  
'You should do it, forget the wolf.' Battousai urged. The pyromaniac in my was emerging.  
  
"Oops." I said disarmingly, trying to drag the ranting Miss Kaoru away while keeping an eye out for Saitoh. I hoped that Missus Tokio was keeping a sharp lookout on the man, otherwise, I got the feeling Master was history. Or at least in for a fun trip to the clinic. I bet Miss Megumi would love to get back at him for his earlier remarks in the snowy street. "Miss Kaoru, you have to get out. Father Aoshi said that there is nothing to be done, that there is not."  
  
I didn't add that this unworthy one didn't want to see her hurt and that it would pain him beyond compare. Too sappy? I suppose, and if I said it out loud she would only take it as an invitation to stay, either demanding to understand what I just said, or insisting that she wasn't a baby.  
  
She looked at me reluctantly and lowered her voice, flaming brand and Master completely forgotten. "Kenshin, you're going to play hero again, aren't you? Well I'm staying! I can help too!"  
  
Rather than argue, I stared at the burning beams. The fire had crept up on us. I glanced around noticing that Aoshi and Misao had disappeared as well as Master.  
  
The smoke was thick and my eyes were watering like mad under the assault. Miss Kaoru hacked next to me. Instinctively I grabbed her hand and flew. Well, tried to. I only got half way down the short aisle before tripping. With the smoke clogging my senses I could hardly see where I was going.  
  
"It's Katsu!" Miss Kaoru choked. The fire pressed in crackling and I could feel my heart beating madly. The whole place was threatening to collapse in on us if we dallied any more. There might be other people trapped, but saving then did no good if we died in the process.  
  
'Good, you see the light.'  
  
"I'm going to regret this."  
  
'Don't give us the overburdened soul crap. Somethings are a fact of survival.' Battousai sneered shaking his head at my stupidity, 'Kill or be killed.'  
  
Between us Miss Kaoru and I dragged Katsu's prone form out, driven by the heat, smoke, and flames. It would have been faster if I had done it alone, but then I couldn't guarantee that I could keep in touch with Miss Kaoru.  
  
'Please, she's a big girl. Give her some credit. She lived quite awhile without you, or anyone else, holding her hand.'  
  
Sano, once again his cheery, boisterous self took his buddy from us. I watched as he carefully gathered Katsu up and kept him out of the snow. The young man was rash, but he sure was loyal.  
  
Thinking good thoughts about sometimes leads to misconceptions. That may be why my jaw dropped when he pulled out a bottle of communion wine and took a swing.  
  
"When did you pilfer that?" Aoshi asked, deadpan. He didn't seem inclined to take it back now that Sanosuke had gotten hold of it. "Last I recall you were running around heedlessly."  
  
"That moron," Saitoh snorted from beside Missus Tokio, looking a tad singed, "Would have a moment of clarity in the middle of his panic attack only to steal some cheap alcohol."  
  
"Cheap, free alcohol." Sano amended.  
  
"At least the boy knows his priorities." Hiko rumbled in slight approval. I resisted the urge to smack my head into the nearest solid object. I don't think Miss Kaoru would appreciate it much.  
  
Yahiko limped out and looked at us strangely before hooting, "Ugly and Kenshin are holding hands!"  
  
Miss Kaoru dropped my hand faster than a scalded cat and turned red. I, luckily, managed a pale shade of pink.  
  
"That was not very nice Yahiko, that it was not." I reproved, but Miss Kaoru had other plans. She went after him like a dog that's been taunted one too many times by some obnoxious cat.  
  
"Well, I do think that is the end of the church." Soujirou said with a wide smile. He was standing on the other side of Miss Kaoru.  
  
"We'll just build another one sugar." Kamatari said dismissively, still patting his head. Yumi gave a sly look and taunted, "But it will be a long time coming, just like your hair. Ouch!"  
  
Couldn't those two behave for just one moment? Neither seemed even regretful in the slightest that they just burned down the town church. In fact, it seemed totally forgotten.  
  
A loose snowball launched past Yumi and hit Chou square in the face. He sputtered indignantly wiping the snow off his face, "'Ey, there weren't no call for that."  
  
Wasn't that a double negative? So he was actually saying there was a call for it.  
  
Soon there were stray balls flying everywhere. I prudently moved just out of reach and watched as Aoshi was nailed by accident. Miss Misao leapt to his defense with flailing limbs and flying balls. She was amazing, just a blur of pure furious energy. I watched as she nailed several people consecutively, all in vital areas. The girl's got talent, what can I say.  
  
I watched with interest as Yahiko, Sano, the revived Katsu, and a few others battled it out.  
  
'You should be watching Stick and Bones. Look, she's flirting with Smiley again.' Battousai adviced.  
  
She is not, I retorted defensively only to look over. She was! She was sitting there chatting happily with the kid paying no attention to the beginings of the next town civil war or myself. Now, I know the world doesn't revolve around me and all, but I was hurt.  
  
'She's lost interest. You and that unworthy bit has put her off. Damn, you should have done like I said. Ravish her.' Oro! I thought we were past that conversation.  
  
They're talking about cows.  
  
'You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?' Battousai grinned like a crazed ape or something.  
  
This unworthy one would be happy if Miss Kaoru found someone, that he would, I forced out purposely doing my best to annoy him as he was me. He smirked and I knew he was unconvinced.  
  
Fwap.  
  
"Stupid student," Master said after getting my attention with a suspiciously hard packed ice ball, "You're letting her get away!"  
  
I turned to explain that Miss Kaoru wasn't mine only to see him causally pick up a large clump of snow. He slowly, carefully packed it into an ice ball while maintaining an innocent pose. With startling speed he launched his missile and smacked Saitoh right in the face.  
  
The Wolf glared at me. Eep. Master had silently moved so that the snowball couldn't have possibly come from his direction.  
  
Unsure what Saitoh would do to me I backed up right into Soujirou.  
  
"Mister Himura, would you like to join us? We were just discussing which breed of cow produces better milk used in butter."  
  
No, I didn't. Especially since I was about to be creamed.  
  
Luckily, Master just had to push his luck. He nailed the pissed guy again, giving himelf away. I wondered how Saitoh would react. Would he be utterly dignified and claim that such childish games were below him, or would he pick up some rocks at start chucking away?  
  
To my surprise the return volley came not from the man, but from his wife. She smacked Hiko with two or three before smiling sweetly. Master stared at her dumbfounded and looking betrayed. That didn't last. His typical smirk returned full force and he scooped up some snow. This was going to spin out of control, I can see it now, all of us slaughtered by friendly-fire.  
  
I started backing up when a voice startled me, "Kenshin, aren't you going to play too?"  
  
Play? That wasn't playing. Miss Kaoru was too trusting, she didn't see the slaughter for what it truly was.  
  
'Better protect her Hero.'  
  
"It's okay, really. We do this all the time. No one ever gets hurt." Miss Kaoru assured me.  
  
'Not being hurt and not letting people know you've been hurt are not the same thing. The clinic would be good incentive to lie.'  
  
Speaking of, where was Miss Megumi?  
  
Whap.  
  
Battousai's mouth sagged and then snapped shut, 'Did...?'  
  
Yup.  
  
'You should have taken him out before!' Battousai howled and frothed. If there was one thing he hated it was being targeted. Well, it didn't make me all that happy either.  
  
You want free reign?  
  
'Damn straight. I'll make him pay!'  
  
The rules.  
  
He rolled his eyes like a disobedient juvenile and recited, 'No killing or maiming... but can't you make an exception or four?'  
  
I watched as we flew forward. How was it his coordinating bested mine? It was the same body after all.  
  
'Eat snow bastard!' Battousai howled throwing snow wildly, but with great aim. He targetted Aoshi first and I blinked. The man hadn't done a thing to provoke him, it was Master would had initiated the offense.  
  
I noticed that some dangerous alliances were forming. The original offenders had banded together, along with Soujirou and Chou. Miss Kaoru, Saitoh, and Missus Tokio were together against Master. Miss Misao was valiantly defending her beloved Father Aoshi. Sano had grabbed Katsu and was using him as a human shield to take the hits. Yahiko had suspiciously disappeared.  
  
Battousai? He was just being himself. The lone assassin.  
  
There was a sound from up the hill and suddenly Frosty the snowman was on the attack. He rolled and tumbled to gain momentum and size to execute his killer attack. Yahiko peered down with his mouth in a silent 'oh' as the rampant giant snowball broke into three seperate pieces.  
  
I watched in horror as it rolled towards Aoshi. Well, not in horror exactly. More like... well, that's just not nice. If you don't have anything nice to think, think it anyway! So I hoped he got it good and proper.  
  
Miss Misao spotted the trouble and launched her missiles to intercept. The head and body were destroyed under her relentless onslaught of her furious snowball. The rather large butt barreled onwards not seeming to feel the stinging sensating in the tush. This is Reporter Kenshin, you heard it from me first.  
  
'I can't believe you're part of me. I am ashamed. Let me show you how to do this right.'  
  
Wait... I wasn't done!  
  
'The malicious pile of rejected Frosty thundered down on the poor stupid weasel. Being true to her race of stupid weasels she stubbornly stood her ground, not unlike a certain ass we all know. With her short, stubby arms outflung in defiance to defend her gold idol of worship she saw doom soaring down to take her. Within seconds she would be flattened into roadkill, just as it should be....'  
  
My turn.  
  
'No way, I'm just getting warmed up.'  
  
Just as the errand ball of snow was about to squish the poor damsel in distress a large body fell before her taking the blow. The young man crumpled beneath the oversized rump and the damsel rushed to his side, praising her hero.  
  
'Okay, now shut up. I'm tired of this. You're giving me a headache with you're niceness.'  
  
Miss Misao ran up to Sano with concern. Well, I thought it was concern. She planted a kick in his side and screamed, "You jerk! I could have handled that myself!"  
  
"Ouch, ow, it wasn't my fault!" Sanosuke yelped and tried to avoid her vengeful foot. "Katsu pushed me!"  
  
"You've been using me as a living shield. That's called payback. Actually, you owe me some money..." Katsu trailed off thoughtfully.  
  
Battousai, bored of the almost-drama turned away and launched a snowball at the Wolf. Unfortunately he saw it coming and slid to the side. Miss Kaoru wasn't so lucky.  
  
"Ken-shin." She hissed in a deadly voice and Battousai blinked. Before I could react he was back in his cage with the door safely locked and I was facing a wrathful Miss Kaoru.  
  
Coward!  
  
"I'm sorry Miss Kaoru! This unworthy one's hand slipped." I pleaded. She considered me for a moment before whipping out a plank. Three bashes later I was eating snow.  
  
'Pick your battles wisely.' Battousai stated serenely. I could have throttled him if I wasn't numb from the waist. Instead I used the cattle prod.  
  
"Why didn't you save me the same way Sano saved Misao?"  
  
"Oro!"  
  
A/N: My brother Rob was hilarious all through this chapter, helping me with the snowball fight. We've been having a blast not only with this but also Trust/Betrayal. We decided the whole Kenshin cast should be fruits (it started with Ms. Plum aka Tomoe). His only request was that Yahiko gets a bigger part *hooded look* Watch out, Meg finally shows, the last chapter has tons of her foxiness ^___^ If I left anyone out my deepest apologies, notepad doesn't like my mac's word and vise versa -.- Pieces of crap.  
  
Fyyrrose: You haven't even given back BSR, not that I've written much more. I forgot my list of attacks so the fight will have to be delayed a bit. Rob replaced you here :) :)) Trees are evil and you haven't seen the last of Sano's tree! I love the stick, no dissing the stick! For it shall be mine. *wide grin* KL I am, nothing more. And if you keep harassing me I'll let a certain female werewolf live as well.  
  
MissBehavin: Saitoh would love to get one person more than Kenshin :) He may just get the chance too. I'm in the giving mood after all it's the holiday season... NOT knowing would be infinately safer! Unless they were ponytas I agree!  
  
Wistful-Eyes: Curse the vocab! Hex, scorn, cuss, swear at, jinx... Got to love B. Aha, you've seen through my not-so-veiled reference to the zanbatou. He needs another one, really *drool*. 


	3. Part 3

Part Three  
  
"Oooh, the tree fell down. Again." Miss Misao fumed with her fists clenched.  
  
Indeed it had. Right onto the refreshment table.  
  
"No." Sanosuke moaned staring at the devastation of the kegs of beer and other various beverages leaking and busted. They pooled on the hard wood floor making the air a sickly sweet cloud and the ground slick beneath.  
  
"At least the cider was saved." Miss Kaoru remarked.  
  
Saitoh and Tokio walked in. A large clump of snow was sticking to the Wolf's forehead. I guess Master couldn't resist one last crack at him. Lobo whined and paced the doorway, but thank the owner of the bar he wasn't allowed in! Not since the last bar fight.   
  
"Cider." Sano whined with contempt, "That's no good. I want to get trashed! Apples just don't do it."  
  
'Baby. He should do some bootlegging.' But that would require work, precision, and patience, 'Good point.'  
  
While Miss Misao and Miss Kaoru were cleaning up the sopping mess, which I did not offer to help with, whoever said I was a slow learner? Master, but he doesn't count. He's got a Superiority Complex, never take what he says about your faults seriously. It only encourages his misbehavior. Great, now I sound like his mother. I pity the poor woman, honestly I do.  
  
"What happened to you?" Yumi squealed and all heads turned to behold Kamatari in all his glory. To cover his bald head he had acquired a wig. Now, where he got a wig on such short notice, when all the stores were closed I don't know. Then again, considering the way it looked maybe he stole a broom.  
  
The hair was a magnificent color of royal purple with lighter streaks running through it. An eggplant gone furry! It didn't help that the hair was so tightly curled he looked like a shaggy mountain goat with a color not found in nature.  
  
Kamatari, looking rather annoyed for once and not at all happy, snapped, "I thought I'd try a new look. After all, staying the same year after year must get awful boring. Just wait until you start sagging."  
  
Yumi opened her mouth and snapped in shut in a snit. She glared then pronounced, "I don't think it matters much when your taste is so bad that babies cry in fear and dogs run away."  
  
"You look like an electrocuted sheep." Yahiko put in his unwelcome opinion cheekily. Sano cocked his head and disagreed, "More like Shirely Temple dropped in a vat of dye."  
  
Kamatari wasn't paying any attention to the peanut gallery. He had stalked up in front of Yumi with some serious hostile intent. I wondered if it would come to blows. Would they bitch slap or punch? Or maybe do that sissy hand slapping thing.  
  
'Like you?' I do not!  
  
Kamatari's hand shot out and there was a ripping sound. Yumi gasped in outrage and surprise. Soujirou's face registered surprise since he and Chou were seated in their usual place and facing her. All the rest of us saw was the back. That's okay, I've a good imagination.  
  
"Woah, cover 'em up gal or ya might have more business tonigh' than ya can handle." Chou whistled and Soujirou blushed. He discreetly tossed Yumi one of the bar rags and averted his eyes.  
  
Sano grinned and suggested that she turn around. Yahiko looked on with curiosity, I'm not sure if he realized what exactly had happened. I am sure, however, that he would probably be as perverted as his brother if she turned around. Saitoh looked nonplused about the whole thing and Father Aoshi was stoic leaning against a wall.  
  
'They need lives.' Battousai growled. I rolled my eyes and informed him that not everyone on this Earth was sexually driven. I half expected him to make some witty quip about me, but he was looking like he actually considered my words. 'You suck. No wonder you've not gotten anywhere with Sticks 'n' Bones, with an attitude like that.'  
  
A heavy hand cuff me from behind. Instinctively my hand flew to the sore spot while the other went for my gun.  
  
"Stupid student, I thought you liked your horse girl. Ogling at other women will win you no points."  
  
"This unworthy one was not 'ogling'." I retorted, indignant.  
  
Yumi fled upstairs and Kamatari seated himself down next to Chou not looking sorry in the slightest.  
  
To escape Master, I slid over towards the three in time to catch a strange bit of conversation.  
  
"I think ya over did it." Chou remarked, sloshing around his apple cider.  
  
Kamatari made a face and replied flippantly, "It's not anything she hasn't tried to do to me before. She'll get over it."  
  
"You hope."  
  
"I don't know. Miss Yumi looked awfully mad and embarrassed." Soujirou commented.  
  
Kamatari's nose crinkled and he said, "I'll go apologize later then. It wouldn't look right if I bailed on the party now."  
  
Apologize? I thought they hated each other. Admittedly it was harsh, what he did, but even so. Before I could consider that further Miss Kaoru called me over. I did my best to look innocent. Like I hadn't just been listening in on a conversation.  
  
Now if I had actually been paying attention to the right people I would have known that my Master had other plans for livening up his evening.  
  
"A wager you say. What kind?" Hiko asked, sipping from his private stock of alcohol. He was standing in an out of the way corner, pretending to try to blend into the background. "I know you have eyes for my stupid student."  
  
"Do I now?" Megumi purred. "I bet you that you wouldn't part with that alcohol for anything."  
  
"Hmm, anything you say? I don't think that's a bet, but you have my attention. I have a better one. I bet you couldn't get my stupid student away from his crush, pony girl."  
  
"Stakes?"  
  
"One bottle of my best brandy verse you doing any one thing I ask."  
  
Megumi pretended to consider it for a moment before giving a sly smile, "Those hardly seem fair, but since I don't intend to lose, why not."  
  
I, on the other hand, was having the time of my life. Okay, not really.  
  
'This is humiliating, I don't know you.' You share my body, I pointed out.  
  
"He looks so cute." Miss Misao remarked.  
  
'Cute?' Battousai raised an eyebrow. He was taking it well.  
  
Miss Kaoru stiffened and looked past me, "What do you want?"  
  
"Is that any way to treat someone? Where's your holiday spirit, Christmas generosity?" I braced myself for the attack that generally followed Miss Megumi's opening statement. Instead she seated herself by Miss Kaoru.  
  
"I'm sorry." Miss Kaoru didn't look very sorry. In fact, she looked very surly and as wary as a cat in the dog pound.  
  
"How would you like to see Hiko suffer a bit?"  
  
Miss Kaoru and Saitoh suddenly looked like a pair of attentive wolf hounds waiting to be loosed on their prey. Now, I know that Master hadn't made all that great an impression, but really. No need to start a war here. Besides, Master was invincible, I doubt Miss Megumi or anyone else could actually catch him off guard.  
  
'Then how did I burn down his house?' You're special.  
  
"What do you need?"  
  
"Kenshin of course."  
  
"Wait-." Miss Kaoru started to protest, but Saitoh cut her off, "I doubt it will harm him. I want to see this."  
  
Now wait a moment. Didn't I get a say in this? Apparently not. Suddenly I was soaring through the air like a plucked chicken before performing an emergency landing into a wall.  
  
Slightly dazed and very confused I was suddenly swept into a warm embrace.  
  
"Are you okay Sir Ken?" Miss Megumi steadied me and I leaned against her not trusting my warped sense of balance.  
  
I vaguely heard Miss Kaoru shriek something about mistletoe and Saitoh say something about tradition.  
  
Then there was the face sucking.  
  
'Prude. You wouldn't know face sucking from snowblowing.'  
  
Just kissing then.  
  
'Damn good kissing. You sure you won't reconsider?' I was kind of too busy to reply.  
  
"She slipped in some tongue!" Miss Misao announced in a scandalized voice.  
  
"Eww, I thought Kenshin liked Ugly!" Yahiko declared, no doubt leaning in closer.  
  
"And that would be a French kiss." Saitoh remarked.  
  
"Holy shit. Round two!" Sano whooped.  
  
I tried to pull back. I couldn't hear the voice I wanted to hear. No doubt she was furious and seething. But I had to explain that I didn't want it. I was so distraught that Battousai flipped his cage open and I didn't care. Of course I whipped my head back around when he started getting a bit too touchy-feely there.  
  
Miss Megumi let go and wandered off towards the cider. She took a drink and looked at Master. His ebony eyes narrowed drastically and he ungracefully plopped a bottle of some sort of alcohol in her hand. She murmured something and he looked vaguely pissed.  
  
"How'd you do it man?" Sano asked, helping me to a stool. I looked at him, "Where's Miss Kaoru?"  
  
He, of course, ignored me to pursue his own agenda. He sauntered up to Miss Megumi, "Can I get a kiss?"  
  
A smile played around her lips and she replied, "I rather kiss Father Aoshi."  
  
"So that's a no?" Sano replied, incorrigible as ever.  
  
Meanwhile, I had gone off in search of Miss Kaoru. I hadn't meant to do anything wrong or to hurt her feelings.  
  
'You did absolutely nothing wrong and she's too sensitive. It's not like she owns you or anything.' Battousai reassured me. He's such a compassionate and understanding soul.   
  
You know those shoulder angels? The ones that tell you right from wrong and advise you in the correct course of action? He must have been born on the wrong side, because he was an anti-angel.  
  
'Devil you mean.'  
  
I spotted Miss Kaoru over by Chou, Kamatari, and Soujirou. She was talking to the young man with an upset look and I felt a twinge of guilt. I needed to make this right.  
  
'Your funeral.'  
  
"Are you alright Miss Kamiya? That wasn't very polite of Mister Himura or Miss Takani." I halted, wondering what would happen next. Now, I may be a bit dense and a little slow on the uptake but there was no doubt in my mind that they were flirting.  
  
'My my, someone's a bit green now. What's Smiley going to do? Woe her with talk of jersey heifers and butter cream.'  
  
They were chatting rather animatedly now and Miss Kaoru laughed at something he said. She sniffled and leaned in for what I assume was originally intended as a friendly hug.  
  
Was it just me, or did it turn into something a bit more personal?  
  
Yumi returned, having composed herself and changed her clothing. She shot a poisoned look at Kamatari before sweeping the room. Her eyes locked on the two and she commented on what everyone was thinking. Blunt, honest. Those are two words that should never be strung together.  
  
"I go upstairs for ten minutes and I come back down to this? Get a room already."  
  
Either they didn't hear her comment or were completely disregarding. I knew Miss Kaoru could be stubborn, but really! Was this necessary?  
  
'She's just in a tiff. Let her get it out of her system.' Battousai advised. I glared. For once he wasn't the cause of my discomfort, but he certainly wasn't making it easier either.  
  
"Looks like the boy's gonna get some tonigh'!" Chou commented with a lecherous grin all over his face.  
  
By now Miss Kaoru was all but sitting in Soujirou's lap. If he was uncomfortable he didn't show it. That ever-present smile was the same.   
  
Abruptly she seemed to make up her mind. She grabbed Soujirou's face and sucked face. And I mean it.  
  
'Woah, I didn't know you could do things like that!'   
  
But... why?  
  
'An eye for an eye, a kiss for a kiss. She's playing payback. Don't take it personally.'  
  
"Shit, everyone's getting kissed but me." Sano grumbled and Yahiko made a noise before asking, "Would you want to kiss Ugly? Besides, everyone thinks you like guys."  
  
The young man considered that for a moment before admitting, "I'm not gay! You're right, that would be too much like kissing my little sister. But I wouldn't mind if Megumi or Misao..."  
  
Before Yahiko could screech out his accidental slip Sano pounded his head downwards effectively cutting off the word flow. Yahiko growled and started to gnaw on his head, everything else forgotten.  
  
"Pay up." I heard Megumi say from behind me and someone that sounded like Master grumbling about losing again. And to a woman no less.  
  
Miss Misao staggered past admonishing Sano and Yahiko, "No fighting, no biting."  
  
She tripped over her own feet and Sano caught her out of reflex. He stared down, unsure what to do with her. His eyes dared around looking for Father Aoshi, but the priest was true to form. Never around when you needed him.  
  
"My hero." Miss Misao giggled and swayed.  
  
"Then again..." Yahiko started devilishly. Apparently life with Sanosuke was hardly what one would call sheltered. Sano smacked him again, "Leave her alone, she's drunk."  
  
"How do you figure?"  
  
"Listen, I've been drunk enough to recognize it okay? The real question is where did she find the liquor?"  
  
I wasn't really in the social mood or I would have heard and had a very good idea what happened. As it was Missus Tokio beat me to it.  
  
She took a sip of the cider and her grey eyes narrowed. She glared at Hiko, who was sprawled neatly in one corner. He looked at her and smirked that all-knowing smirk.  
  
"Seijuro, you have done some despicable things before and I will make no mention of the bets you have been running at other people's expense, but spiking the cider?" Missus Tokio not quite snarled. She was not a happy camper. "And I assume this was all to get at Hajime. When will you two just grow up and get over it?"  
  
Master didn't seem to be bothered at all, but Saitoh had prowled out behind his wife. I hadn't seen him actually drink any of the cider, but I wasn't really paying all that much mind to him. I knew that he had the potential to be very violent when under the influence of alcohol. Master most likely knew this too and he also knew that Saitoh would go straight for his throat. Then they could fight and he could call it self-defence. Master, although not one for elaborate plans, did make sure his ass was covered.  
  
"Do you want your nephew to grow up fatherless?" She snapped stalking closer. Master still didn't look worried at all. In fact, he didn't even seem surprised that she was pregnant. Which is more than I can say for myself.  
  
"It's not his is it?"  
  
She clenched her fists, "Are you implying that I am of loose morals?"  
  
You haven't snuck out because I don't need any more trouble.  
  
'Wouldn't that be delicious. I mean, if the kid was born with red hair and violet eyes.'  
  
Well, actually, both red hair and violet eyes are recessive traits. That means the mother, or someone in the mother's lineage would have to have them. Then she would have to carry the recessive trait...  
  
'Shut up science boy. This is going to get good. Besides, for all you know, you are the father. Won't that be fun?'  
  
I fought down the urge to run over and say that I was so, so very sorry and I would help her take care of the child. I could hear her answer in my head, cool and precise. That Hajime was my partner or that I'm having a child? I was already on thin ice, I didn't need to cast a shadow over myself even more.  
  
"You let that hellspawn whelp touch you?"  
  
"Hajime is my husband!"  
  
Master, never knowing when to quit replied with a sip of alcohol, "That doesn't mean you can't find someone better to romp with."  
  
I swear, alcohol induced or not, there was going to be some serious violence if Master didn't shut his trap. I almost went to intervene, but my gut feeling said this was a family matter. Don't mess with the family issues.  
  
"You are treading on very thin ice brother dear." She issued those last two words through her teeth and her hand was wrapped tightly around Saitoh's wrist.  
  
He could have easily jerked his wrist out of her grip and tried to rip Master's throat out with his bare teeth, but he stayed.  
  
"I'm just saying what needs to be said." Master continued on blithely and Saitoh almost lunged.  
  
Missus Tokio grabbed him, using her body as a shield. He seemed to resist for a moment. She ran her hands aross his jaw and whispered something. He relaxed partially only shooting Master a deadly look before taking one of her hands in his. She leaned into his shoulder before he gently steered her out the door.  
  
"Geez, is everyone horney tonight or what?" Yahiko grumbled.  
  
Sano, still keeping Miss Misao from tipping over, replied, "Give it a few years. You're hormones will kick in and you'll be as randy as anyone else."  
  
"Yeah, but how many people are actually gonna get some?" Chou muttered. He and Soujirou said good night and drifted out to the boarding house.  
  
Master stood up, "As pleasant as that was I will return to my cherish solitude."  
  
Sanosuke, still looking for a vengeful Aoshi to swoop out of the sky and strike him down like a lightning bolt, warily offered to walk Miss Misao home. She insisted that she didn't require protection then promptly fell flat on her face when he stopped steadying her.  
  
I found Miss Kaoru cheerfully helping Yumi and Kamatari clean up the worse of the mess. Most everyone else had cleared out to do whatever.  
  
"What do you want Kenshin." She asked as I approached meekly. I wish there was a better way to test the waters for man-eating sharks without actually sticking my hand in.  
  
"This unworthy one would like to speak to you. Alone." I added that last bit because Yumi and Kamatari were leaning just a bit to close.  
  
She almost refused, I could see it on her face and in her beautiful blue eyes. With a mustered smile she said graciously, "Okay, we can talk out on the porch."  
  
"Thank you." I inclined my head. Politeness had yet to fail me.  
  
It was fridged outside and the frost glistened. Most of the town was silent and dark with only the warm glow of lights here and there. Miss Kaoru gazed out and Battousai decided to make his move.  
  
'You shouldn't apologize, she should.' He protested firmly and loudly.  
  
Going automatically into defensive mode I started off, This unworthy one-   
  
'Oh shove that. It's tiresome.' He snapped, losing patience because I used the tactic he hated the most: humility.  
  
You shove it. I'm tired of listening to you!  
  
Miss Kaoru was glancing at me from the corner of her eye, but I needed to put the dog in his place before I tried anything.  
  
'Good. Use that anger. Now here's what you got to do. Grab her and kiss her. Like Megumi did you, okay? And if your hands wander a bit all the better. Make her want you!'  
  
You do it, I whimpered, suddenly scared. Of what exactly I don't know.  
  
'Sure.'  
  
Hell no!  
  
Battousai made a puzzled face, 'You sure you don't have another alter ego hidden in there somewhere? Make up your mind!'  
  
"You shut up!"  
  
"I didn't say anything." Miss Kaoru said, sounding miffed.  
  
"Oro!" She frowned deeply and I gulped. Strike two. Let's try this again. "Let this unworthy one explain! Please! This unworthy one is terribly sorry Miss Kaoru. I, we, he... did not mean you, that he did not."  
  
She sighed heavily and said shortly, "Thirty seconds."  
  
Where to start? Blurt. Blurting is good. "This unworthy one did not mean to kiss Miss Megumi."  
  
She interrupted me, "So it just happened? Somehow I don't believe that."  
  
'Ask her how her kiss with Soujirou "just happened". See what she has to say then.' Battousai smirk.  
  
"This- shut up you- unworthy one was caught off guard." I staggered on lamely.  
  
"So you kissed her back. With tongue!"  
  
Battousai shrugged, 'She's a good kisser.'  
  
I struggled on valiantly trying to make her understand. I implusively grabbed her hand and said "This unworthy one is not interested in Miss Megumi."  
  
"I'm sorry Kenshin." She said unhappily.  
  
"About?" I asked entirely confused.  
  
'What's she got to say now? Huh huh huh? Explain the kiss slut!'  
  
I was outraged. Have you ever tried to convay your deep loving feelings for someone, only to have your alter ego butt in constantly? It's annoying and mortifying all in one.  
  
"Don't call Miss Kaoru a slut!"  
  
She was staring at me before she screeched, "Slut! Is that what you just called me Ken-shin?"  
  
'Whoa boy, you're in for it.' Another job well done, I could mentally hear him say.  
  
Trying to make amends I said to Miss Kaoru, "I called you nothing."  
  
"So you were talking about yourself then? Because I don't see anyone else out here, do you?" Her voice was flat and baiting.  
  
This was giving me a headache, but once again I couldn't keep my big mouth shut, "I don't think that term could be applied to a man."  
  
"Sorry, a he-whore then." Miss Kaoru snapped, not molified in the slightest. I'm sure my jaw dropped.  
  
'You suck at this. You sure you don't want me to take over?'  
  
Then she started sniffling and turned away with a quiver in her throat, "Just shut up Kenshin. It's obvious you don't want to be with me."  
  
It was?  
  
'He likes you well enough, I'm the one who thinks you're worthless.' Battousai replied saucily, warming up to the topic.  
  
I cut him a filthy look that promise excurciating retribution for his careless comments. He laughed.  
  
'Why don't you just let me fix this?'  
  
I can handle it! I growled at him. And I could. I was a grown man and this was my problem. Either I wanted to make this work or I didn't. I did, so I needed to grow up and act like it. It wasn't fair to Miss Kaoru that I was so uptight about the whole issue.  
  
I gently put two fingers under her chin and tried to steer her face back around. She resisted stubbornly bring a wan smile to my lips.  
  
"This unworthy one is very sorry for everything that has transpired this evening. It seems to have been very exciting and emotional this night, that it has. This unworthy one did not intend anything that happen."  
  
"But I bet it was a plus to have your tongue down Megumi's throat." Okay, so she was hurt. Did she have to keep bringing that up?  
  
"Oro?"  
  
She made an exasperated sound and said playfully, "Honestly Kenshin."  
  
She smiled that gorgeous smile and I tipped her jaw up.  
  
'Do you really want to do this?'  
  
Yes, I replied firmly.  
  
*beta reader finally gets a voice here!!!! OMG it's fluff *runs to bathroom to puke out guts* I'm back~! I am happy to say that my version of the bet with Meg and Hiko-sama was a little more sadistic....but I think it all went well. The only thing in my twisted mind is that B took over in the end and slit her throat...so whichever way you look at it, it's a work of art. (Author speaking: Don't listen to her, she doesn't like Kaoru. She doesn't really like anyone -.-;;;)  
  
Fyyrrose: You get plenty of recognition, really, glory hound! Rob's funny and twisted, but you're right, no romance. I think it's a family thing. You never sent it back! Speaking of, I think I have a fight scene to write... Wolves, they multiply, and that no killing rule sucks. Are you sure you're not a pyromaniac? He doesn't need more, he's got enough. Saitoh just makes sure he doesn't bring 'em out. Ah, so you like Sano when he's stealing alcohol? *shakes head* Now to convince Rob that the poor guy doesn't need to be dismembered. Yes, I kept that line in there just for you.   
  
Trupana: I put that in there just for you, you know. And I told Fyyrrose that you would get it too ;) Kenshin ended up as a bananna O.o Ah, the insanity that is my family.  
  
Wistful-Eyes: No, he's a good B ^^ Oh, yes, it slipped *sarcastic*This last part isn't quite so action packed, at least not in the same way.  
  
MissBehavin: B's pretty smart, good survival instincts! He should have, shouldn't he? But yes, murdering your brother-in-law usually doesn't go over well. Even if it's a fiery pillar of alcohol drenched death!   
  
Nigihayami Haruko: My twisted sense of humor? I'm just happy there are other people out there who find me funny ^__^ I'll probably see him again in April, so we'll see. 


End file.
